Fairy Tail for Douches
by IDrinkLotsaEarlGrey
Summary: NEXT CHAPTER UP: Your Guide To JELLAL. Hello! Are you a douche like me with time to waste? Why not read YET ANOTHER manual instructing you on how to take care of your very own Fairy Tail character! Good luck trying to purchase one, though.
1. Your Guide To NATSU

Credit for idea goes to **bluewingedangel48 **for her Bakugan version.

:::

Owner's Guide To NATSU DRAGNEEL

Hello! Thank you for purchasing NATSU DRAGNEEL.

What is included?

1 NATSU DRAGNEEL

1 muffler

2 vests

2 pair of puffy pants

1 pair of sandals

1 Happy

1 wristband

2 waistcoats

To purchase later oufits, visit our website: .com for clothes, cool stuff, freebies and other awesome characters.

NATSU DRAGNEEL is a spirited dragon slayer, and has a tendency for burning stuff up, and annihilating villages. He constantly fights for no apparent reason, though even if there is one it's usually something petty. He does not take well to transport; he flies by Happy Express, and Happy Express only.

If you do not like loud noises, cleaning up and abnormal hair colours, NATSU DRAGNEEL is not for you. We instead recommend a JELLAL FERNANDES.

...Wait. Jellal has abnormal hair too.

We recommend JELLAL FERNANDES with a bottle of BLACK HAIR DYE.

TotallyFake Stuff Inc. is not responsible for any damage, harm or death NATSU DRAGNEEL may cause.

Basic Info.

Name: NATSU DRAGNEEL (Names like pointy eyes, flame brain and hot boy not recommended.)

Age: 18

Height: 160cm

Weight: 59kg

Removal from packaging

A NATSU DRAGNEEL will most likely torch the container the moment he deems it safe, and will ask you to fight him.

You can if you want, though you might want to purchase life insurance beforehand. If you do not want to fight him, deny it, although he'll just keep bugging you.

Try to buy a pair of earplugs and survive.

An ERZA SCARLET, GRAY FULLBUSTER or LUCY HEARTFILIA is recommended to be around during extraction from packaging.

Play modes

Loud _(Default)_

Destructive _(Default)_

In Love _(Lucy Heartfilia required)_

OOC _(Locked)_

Depressed _(Locked)_

Reckless _(Default)_

Drunk

Your NATSU DRAGNEEL becomes drunk after CANA ALBERONA challenges him to a drinking contest and loses.

In Love mode is unlocked when he meets a LUCY HEARTFILIA or LISANNA STRAUSS. Effects may take a varying amount of time to take place. Your LUCY HEARTFILIA must not be in Lucy Kick mode during their meeting. You can try and make him fall in love with you, but good luck with that.

OOC mode is unlocked when you tickle him, causing him to become immobilized, and be silent and non-destructive.

Health Guides for a happy, healthy NATSU

**Cleanliness:** Your NATSU DRAGNEEL is perfectly capable of washing up by himself. Just provide him with cold water, a few hundred ice-cubes would suffice; due to NATSU's extremely high body temperature, the ice cubes should melt. Do NOT offer to clean or shower with your NATSU DRAGNEEL, as he will probably be scarred for life.

**Diet:** NATSUs prefer spicy foods, he needs a spiciness level of ten bottles of tabasco sauce. He needs healthy foods like vegetables and a variety of meats. Too much junk food or oily food will result in deterioration of health of a growing NATSU.

**Sleep: **NATSU is always hyper, and we really doubt his ability to sleep. To get your NATSU to bed, you require one LUCY HEARTFILIA bed. This can also be purchased at our website.

Q&A

Q: My NATSU has disappeared for seven years. Should I be worried?

A: Naw. He's probably stuck on an island with his comrades, frozen in time. He should eventually be back.

Q: NATSU is drinking cold lemonade, and constantly asks for more. What do I do?

A: COLD? Send him back immediately, you have received a defect.

Compatible With:

GRAY FULLBUSTER

ERZA SCARLET

LUCY HEARTFILIA

MAKAROV DREYAR

MIRAJANE STRAUSS

ELFMAN

JELLAL FERNANDES (in changed mode)

etc.

Not Compatible

Oracion Seis units

Raven Tail units

Sabertooth Units

Grimoire Heart units

JELLAL FERNANDES (in jerk mode)

Placing NATSU with any of the above mentioned units will result in destruction and maiming. For more information, please visit our website.

If you want your NATSU DRAGNEEL to hook up with someone, we recommend LUCY HEARTFILIA or LISANNA STRAUSS.

_IF you have enjoyed your NATSU DRAGNEEL, you may also enjoy:_

LISANNA STRAUSS

ERZA SCARLET

GRAY FULLBUSTER

MYSTOGAN

LAXUS DREYAR

GAJEEL REDFOX

WENDY MARVELL

:::

END. Leave in the reviews who you want me to do next!


	2. Your Guide To HAPPY

Well, the order will be: Happy, Gray, Lucy, Gajeel.

I'm sorry, for the "Hooking up" section for Gray, Juvia is not going to be there, though she will be classified SOMEWHERE.

Hint: I don't support GrUvia in the very least.

::

Owners Guide To HAPPY

Hello! Thank you for purchasing HAPPY, your loyal exceed.

What is included? 

1 HAPPY

980 tins of fish

1 green backpack

To purchase more food, visit our website: .com for clothes, cool stuff, freebies and other awesome characters.

HAPPY is a spirited, unthinking exceed, with retractable wings. NATSU's best friend and child, whom he raised with LISANNA STRAUSS.

If you do not like the smell of fish, cleaning up, and loud noises, HAPPY is not for you. Instead, we recommend CARLA, PANTHERLILY, FROSCH or LECTOR.

TotallyFake Stuff Inc. is not responsible for any damage, harm or death HAPPY might cause.

Basic Info.

Name: HAPPY

Age: -

Height: 18 inches

Weight: 3kg

Removal from packaging

HAPPY should be able to come out by himself, but in the event should he stay adamant and not budge, you may require an ERZA SCARLET to hack the packaging off.

On coming out, your HAPPY will ask where NATSU is, so it is preferred to have a NATSU DRAGNEEL on hand.

However, most HAPPYs are included in the NATSU DRAGNEEL package.

Play modes

Depressed _(locked)_

In Love _(Carla required)_

OOC _(Changeling spell required)_

Loud _(default)_

Annoying _(default)_

Angry _(locked)_

Your HAPPY will become angry when there is a lack of fish, or when his comrades are threatened.

OOC mode can be unlocked by purchasing a Changeling spell and switching Happy with ERZA SCARLET. You will require an ERZA SCARLET and a Changeling spell. Please note that the effects will wear off in twelve hours, and ERZA will be very, very mad.

In the event that that should happen, we recommend you run, or have a JELLAL there in jerk mode, so that ERZA will get distracted.

HAPPY will fall in love after meeting a CARLA, which is found in a WENDY MARVELL package. Some rare CARLAs are sold individually.

Please note that HAPPY must not meet CARLA in her angry mode, prep talk mode, or ranting mode.

Depressed mode is unlocked when HAPPY is rejected by CARLA, which will happen the first fifty times HAPPY tries.

Don't worry, he should succeed sometime by the next decade.

Health Guides for a happy, healthy HAPPY

**Cleanliness: **HAPPY is perfectly capable of cleaning himself, though he might shower with a NATSU DRAGNEEL.

**Diet: **All fish; excluding Flying Fish. Red snapper, dory, salmon and bluefin tuna preferred.

**Sleep: **Like NATSU, Happy is hyper and will only sleep after a tiring forbidden S-Class mission, provided there is a LUCY HEARTFILIA bed.

Q&A

Q: My HAPPY has been gone for a while. Should I be worried?

A: Oh, he's probably on a mission with his friends. He'll be back shortly, hopefully. He might already be dead.

Q: My HAPPY won't eat any fish.

A: You may have received a defect, please send your HAPPY back immediately. Or, Happy could be dead.

Compatible With:

CARLA

JELLAL FERNANDES (in changed mode)

CANA ALBERONA

PANTHERLILY

Fairy Tail units

Blue Pegasus units

Lamia Scale units

Crime Sorciere units

Not Compatible With:

Dan Straight

Samuel

Legionnaires

Grimoire Heart units

Oracion Seis units

Sabertooth units

Raven Tail units

Placing your HAPPY with any of these units will result in maiming, destruction and maybe even death.

If you want to hook HAPPY up with someone, we recommend CARLA. You can try and make HAPPY fall in love with you, but...he is...well, he's a _cat. _

_If you have enjoyed your HAPPY, you may also like:_

ELFMAN

FRIED JUSTINE

LAXUS DREYAR

FLARE CORONA

ANGEL

BRAIN/ZERO

ERZA SCARLET

GRAY FULLBUSTER

JELLAL FERNANDES

MYSTOGAN

MIRAJANE STRAUSS

NATSU DRAGNEEL

LUCY HEARTFILIA

:::

End. Gray is up next!

The recommendations for pairings will be as follows:

Gray: Erza

Erza: Jellal, Mystogan, Gray

Juvia: Lyon

Lucy: Natsu, Loke

Mirajane: Fried


	3. Your Guide To GRAY

Alright, time to answer some reviews!

**Rosella6199: **Sure, why not? Just leave the name of the character in a review or a private message, and I'll do it.

**Guest: **I don't know who you are, but you requested for me to put in the GrayxLucy and StingxLucy pairings. I'm sorry, but that's not going to happen. I do not support these pairings in the slightest. LuNa forever!

I'm sorry, but I'm not adding those pairings in.

_**I'M **_DA AUTHOR. XD

:::

Owner's Guide To GRAY FULLBUSTER

Hello! Thank you for purchasing your very own stripper!

...That is to say, GRAY FULLBUSTER.

What is included?

1 stripper/GRAY FULLBUSTER

100 pairs of pants (lasts 2 days)

1 cross necklace

1 metal bracelet

1 chain (for pants, if he still has any)

To purchase later outfits, visit our website: .com for clothes, cool stuff, freebies and other awesome characters.

GRAY FULLBUSTER has a terrible stripping habit, because his teacher Ul made him and LYON VASTIA strip and train in the mountains when they were young.

He is an ice-mage and has a tendency to attract strange females, such as female demons from Galuna Island and even males like EARTHLAND SUGARBOY.

GRAY has a tendency for arguing with Natsu and destroying something or the other in the process, and is a part of Team Natsu, with HAPPY, ERZA SCARLET, LUCY HEARTFILIA and NATSU DRAGNEEL.

It is weird that they are called Team Natsu, because ERZA founded it and is the strongest member.

...Wait. Team Erza sounds weird too. Why didn't they come up with a cool name like Shadow Gear and The Raijinshuu did?

GRAY is actually quite smart, except he chooses to act dumb. GRAY is also uncomfortable with tears and feels especially awkward when ERZA SCARLET cries.

If muscular strippers and cleaning up are not your thing, GRAY FULLBUSTER is not for you. Instead, we recommend GRAY SURGE, who wears too many clothes.

TotallyFake Stuff Inc. is not responsible for any damage, harm or death GRAY FULLBUSTER may cause.

Basic Info.

Name: GRAY FULLBUSTER (Names like Ice Boy and Squinty Eyes not recommended)

Age: 18

Height: 165cm (A/N: He's taller than Natsu, right?)

Weight: 61kg

Removal from packaging

Your GRAY FULLBUSTER should freeze the container and cause it to explode. In the event he does not, you may want to pour boiling water into the container, prompting GRAY to freeze and explode the container.

Note that doing this will cause GRAY to become angry and injured, and it is recommended you have an ERZA SCARLET to beat him up for being an unreasonable jerk.

Play Modes

Thinking _(default; doesn't show it)_

Depressed _(Locked)_

Stripper _(default)_

OOC _(Locked)_

In Love _(Locked)_

Oblivious (_Only acts this way)_

Your GRAY FULLBUSTER acts oblivious when JUVIA LOXAR fawns over him like a psycho fangirl.

OOC is unlocked when he is faced with a serious problem, during which he becomes brooding and silent.

Depressed mode is unlocked when Ul dies, he loses his nakama, or his guild gets trashed, which is highly unlikely.

Health Guides for a happy, healthy GRAY

**Cleanliness: **Your GRAY FULLBUSTER is perfectly capable of cleaning himself, though if you purchase the YOUNG GRAY FULLBUSTER, he might bathe with YOUNG NATSU DRAGNEEL and YOUNG ERZA SCARLET. Do not offer to bathe with or clean him, as it will only result in you getting a disgusted look and GRAY avoiding you for the rest of his life.

**Diet: **GRAYs prefer cold food, as well as food from LUCY HEARTFILIA'S fridge (applies to NATSUs, ERZAs and HAPPYs too). Foods served cold such as sushi are preferred. To much junk food and ice-cream may result in deterioration of health.

**Sleep: **GRAY, unlike NATSU, does not sleep in a LUCY HEARTFILIA bed. You will need a random bed and a GRAY for him to sleep.

Q&A

Q: My GRAY gets a bit jealous when my LYON goes off with my JUVIA. Should I pair them up?

A: NO WAY. Because firstly, the author is a GrayZa fan and prefers to interpret it like this: GRAY'S jealous because LYON is stealing his stalker. GRAY probably is like, _I don't particularly love JUVIA, but no one else can have her either_. (Selfish much?)

Q: GRAY is staying away from JUVIA. Should I lock them in a closet?

A: No. GRAY will be mentally scarred because likely JUVIA will try to make a move on him. JUVIA is hopelessly infatuated with GRAY, as we all know.

Compatible With:

ERZA SCARLET

SHERRY BLENDI

MAKAROV DREYAR

LAXUS DREYAR

NATSU DRAGNEEL

HAPPY

GAJEEL REDFOX (in Fairy Tail mode)

Fairy Tail units

Blue Pegasus units

Lamia Scale units

Crime Sorciere units

Not Compatible

Oracion Seis units

Raven Tail units

Sabertooth units

Grimoire Heart units

Placing you GRAY with any of the above units will result in destruction and maiming. For more information, please visit our website.

If you want your GRAY FULLBUSTER to hook up with someone, we recommend ERZA SCARLET. (Because the author is a biased idiot.)

You can try and make GRAY fall in love with you, but let's face it...

...FAT CHANCE.

TotallyFake Stuff Inc. will not lie to you as we did for NATSU and HAPPY. You do not stand a chance with ANY of our products. Not LAXUS, not NATSU, not MYSTOGAN.

If you have enjoyed your GRAY FULLBUSTER, you may also like:

WENDY MARVELL

JUVIA LOXAR

MAKAROV DREYAR

LUCY HEARTFILIA

CARLA

PANTHERLILY

:::

End. GrUvia fans, please don't hate me.

Well, at least don't voice the fact that you hate me.


	4. Your Guide To LUCY

**SIGH. **Look, sometimes the pairings are not the ones I support, they're the ones I'm okay with. It's not even a pairing! It's a RECOMMENDATION.

**REVIEW ANSWER TIME! XD**

Guests will be quoted, and vulgarities will be censored.

**Guest: **Let me quote this guest: "no pleasee no nali i hate this f***king pairing"

Answer: Well, if you don't like it, stay off this story. Please. It would do me a favour. I can't stand reviewers such as yourself. Your review is useless, irrelevant and annoying to others around you. If you want to review, tell me what you think of my story, what you like and how I can improve, not hate on pairings. When I first commented on this website, I was still totally immature and hated on pairings too, except without theh vulgarities, but I soon realised it was annoying and immature. Please realise that before commenting again.

**MartiaLae: **Nope. GraLu is not happening. =) Though I don't support GrUvia either.

**Rant before we start: Lucy: **

(You may want to skip this, MartiaLae. I think you'll get pissed.)

Look, I really like Lucy's character, as much as the rest. But I find it annoying that most of the F.T. fics are about Lucy, Lucy, and Lucy.

I also find it annoying when someone likes Lucy and is like, "Oh, Gray, Natsu, Loke and all the CUTE males all belong with Lucy!"

**Yeah, right. **

I support LucyxNatsu. BUT NOT GRALU, OR LOLU. Never in a million years. Gray, Loke and Natsu most certainly don't ALL belong with Lucy.

MAKE UP YOUR MIND ON WHO SHE'S WITH.

Seriously.

I'm not going to even bother saying "No offence" or something like that; that wouldn't make sense. There's no point in doing that. Idolising Lucy and pairing her with every freaking male in Fairy Tail is stupid, and always will be.

Make up your mind, for goodness sakes.

To be honest, I don't care much for LoLu or GraLu, but if you ship those I can't stop you. At least get OVER your Lucy centeredness and realise the beauty of other pairings.

GOSH.

~A very peeved IDrinkLotsaEarlGrey

:::

Owner's Guide To LUCY HEARFILIA

Hello! Thank you for purchasing your very own LUCY HEARFILIA.

What is included?

1 LUCY HEARFILIA

48237236423 outfits

1 Aquarius

1 Cancer

1 Taurus

1 Plue

To purchase more spirits and outfits, please visit our website: .com for clothes, cool stuff, freebies, and other awesome characters.

LUCY HEARTFILIA is a relatively sane, celestial mage. She can be a bit air-headed at times, and has to look "cute" without fail.

She is a part of TEAM NATSU, and is said to be the weakest member (save for HAPPY), but the most, uh, normal.

If you do not like weird spirit beings, people freaking out about rent and a million or so outfits that do not belong to you, LUCY HEARFILIA is not for you. Instead, we recommend CANA ALBERONA or WENDY MARVELL.

TotallyFake Stuff Inc. is not responsible for the chemical reactions due to makeup, accidental destruction or dog allergy reactions LUCY HEARTFILIA or Plue may cause.

Basic Info.

Name: LUCY HEARTFILIA

Age: 18

Height: 154cm

Weight: 51kg

Removal from packaging

LUCY tends to freak out or back off during dangerous missions, circumstances or when she deems it so, so you will require an ERZA SCARLET to hack off the packaging.

Play modes

Cute _(default)_

Lucy Kick _(battle required; equivalent to angry mode)_

Vain _(Sorcerer magazine's JASON required; kind of default)_

Scared _(scary monster or scary mission required)_

Determined (_Comes with soundtrack: "I'll do it for Fairy Tail!")_

OOC _(Locked)_

Depressed _(Locked)_

Your LUCY will become angry after NATSU or HAPPY sleeps in her bed, or if anyone save for LEVY and herself reads her novel.

OOC mode is unlocked when faced with a serious problem or battle. Then Lucy won't care how she looks or how cute she is, and will become determined on winning and helping her nakama, and will be thinking very hard.

LUCY becomes depressed when her father, Jude Heartfilia, dies. She goes all emo and stuff for a duration of one minute before joining NATSU and HAPPY on a mission.

Health Guides for a happy, healthy LUCY

**Cleanliness: **LUCY is perfectly capable of cleaning herself, thank you very much. She already has a very luxurious shower and jacuzzi, so leave her be. Seriously. Unless you want to be victim of the all powerful Lucy Kick.

**Diet: **Health foods, please. Salad, chicken, non-fattening foodstuffs. LUCY probably doesn't want to ruin her _extremely inproportionate _figure, you know, the one that all Fairy Tail females have.

**Sleep: **LUCY will one be able to sleep if she can get NATSU and HAPPY out of her bed. It is recommended to have three LUCY beds on hand. These can be purchased from our website.

Q&A

Q: My LUCY has a figure like pepsi...

...IN A CAN.

Is it supposed to be that way? If so, how do I get LUCY a shapely figure?

A: You have received a defect. Please send your LUCY HEARTFILIA back immediately.

Q: My LUCY HEARTFILIA is being chased around by my DAN STRAIGHT. Should I stop him?

A: Yes. An ERZA SCARLET, MIRAJANE STRAUSS or any other female is required to distract him.

Compatible With:

NATSU DRAGNEEL

ERZA SCARLET

WENDY MARVELL

Fairy Tail units

Blue Pegasus units

Lamia Scale units

Crime Sorciere units

etc.

Not Compatible

Oracion Seis units (in bad guy modes)

Raven Tail units

Sabertooth units

Grimoire Heart units

etc.

Placing LUCY with any of these units with cause maiming, destruction and perhaps arguments.

If you want your LUCY to hook up with someone we recommend NATSU DRAGNEEL. You can try and make her fall in love with you if you want. Good luck.

YOU'LL NEED IT.

_If you have enjoyed your LUCY HEARTFILIA, you may also like:_

ELFMAN

STING

FROSCH

MYSTOGAN

ROMEO CONBOLT

FRIED JUSTINE

MACAO CONBOLT

:::

Did you see the latest episode of Fairy Tail? I think they're bringing Oracion Seis back! And Midnight has long hair and pouty lips. He really looks like a girl now.


	5. Your Guide To GAJEEL

Let me explain this very slowly...

**Rosella6199, **I never said that I don't support ALL the other pairings, yes, note that you said "ALL". I support GrayZa, JelZa, MystWalker, GaLe, ElfEver and a lot more. Get it? If I don't support ALL the other pairings, that means I basically don't support any except NaLu, which is waaayyy off.

**Natsu's at a Payphone: **I do NOT like StingxLucy! I never said anything like that. It's just one of the pairing requests I got and denied. I like NaLu, and only NaLu. GraLu? Heck no! And the thing I wrote applies to you? As in, the rant? Like the Lucy-centeredness?

...Um, I think you're missing the point. As you might not have noticed, it wasn't the nicest rant. It telling you how annoying  Lucy-centeredness is...It said "Get over your Lucy-centeredness." Either that or you're seriously optimistic. That's a great thing. =)

Everyone, I notice we've been focusing on pairings even though this story is unrelated to romance so...Lets' drop the subject(s).

Next up: Gajeel, then Erza.

AND FOR GOODNESS SAKES Y'ALL, SHUT UP ABOUT THE PAIRINGS BEFORE I GO BERSERK TRYING TO EXPLAIN THAT NO I DO NOT LIKE STINGxLUCY AND SO ON!

Love ya'll~

:::

Owner's Guide To GAJEEL REDFOX

Hello! Thank you for purchasing your very own GAJEEL REDFOX.

What is included?

1 GAJEEL REDFOX

2 sets of 5 earrings

2 tunics

1 studded belt

2 pairs of white pants

1 pair of studded boots

2 pairs of studded brown gloves

2 pairs of studded wristbands

1 wing-like ornament

Should the package not include a GAJEEL REDFOX, please inform us immediately.

To purchase later outfits, visit our website: .com for clothes, cool stuff, freebies and other awesome characters.

GAJEEL REDFOX is a iron dragon slayer, and was a member of the now-disbanded Phantom Lord, and later joined Fairy Tail along with JUVIA LOXAR. In Phantom Lord, GAJEEL acted a lot more cold-hearted, and may harm his own guild members.

In Fairy Tail, he is friendlier, and tries to get along with his nakama, and also showcases his-ahem-talent for singing.

You can switch between Phantom Lord GAJEEL and Fairy Tail GAJEEL.

Basic Info.

Name: GAJEEL REDFOX

Age: 18

Height: 168cm

Weight: 65kg

Removal from packaging

GAJEEL is generally very grumpy and unfriendly. Yeah. You might want a LEVY MCGARDEN around to explain to him what is going on and coax him into opening the packaging. If not, get ERZA SCARLET, MIRAJANE STRAUSS or LAXUS DREYAR to rip the packaging apart.

Play modes

Fairy Tail _(default)_

Phantom Lord _(locked)_

OOC (_locked)_

Singing _(locked)_

Angry _(locked)_

Destructive _(default)_

OOC mode is unlocked when PANTHERLILY agrees to be GAJEEL's partner. GAJEEL wit start crying with happiness and will hug PANTHERLILY like anything.

Angry mode is unlocked when Fairy Tail or any of GAJEEL's nakama are threatened.

Singing mode is unlocked when MIRAJANE has a cough/sore throat and lets GAJEEL sing for the guild.

Health Guides for a happy, healthy GAJEEL

**Cleanliness: **GAJEEL is perfectly capable of cleaning himself. Okay? Don't try.

**Diet: **GAJEEL eats iron, like NATSU eats fire. Although, GAJEEL can eat normal food like veggies, meats and soups. A balanced and healthy diet is recommended for a growing GAJEEL.

**Sleep: **Like a normal person, GAJEEL closes his eyes and breathes when he sleeps.

Q&A

Q: GAJEEL has gone missing!

A: He most probably went to train after witnessing NATSU get brutally beaten by LAXUS. You'll find him under a waterfall, with a lot of thunder. You might want to avoid getting a change of clothes for him because he'll be under a waterfall, getting the clothes wet and defeating the purpose.

Q: My GAJEEL's singing is terrible. Is it a defect?

A: No, most certainly not. Should GAJEEL's singing ever be good, please send him back immediately as you have received a defect.

Compatible With

MAKAROV DREYAR

ERZA SCARLET

LUCY HEARTFILIA

LEVY MCGARDEN

MYSTOGAN

Fairy Tail units

Blue Pegasus units

Crime Sorciere units

Lamia Scale units

Not Compatible

Legionnaires

Oracion Seis units

Grimoire Heart units

Sabertooth units

Placing GAJEEL with any of the above units may result in maiming, destruction and even death.

If you want your GAJEEL to hook up with someone, we recommend LEVY MCGARDEN. You can try and make GAJEEL fall in love with you, but you probably suck.

You're welcome.

_If you have enjoyed your GAJEEL REDFOX, you may also enjoy:_

NATSU DRAGNEEL

MAKAROV DREYAR

JELLAL FERNANDES

ULTEAR MILKOVICH

ERZA SCARLET

LEVY MCGARDEN

:::

Just kidding, you don't actually suck.


	6. Your Guide To ERZA

**Themulchmeister: **YOU!

I love your story, "My Fairy", it's awesome! Well, today we have ERZA on offer, see what you think; she's your favourite character or something, right? As for the pop-up rants, well, guess what? I wrote one specially for you~

Except I won't publish it here.

Which kind of defeats the purpose of even writing it.

PS: Yes, Grays would help with the heat in summer, but he'll freeze the whole place through. Then that'll shatter after a while. Meaning, you won't HAVE a house for your Grays to cool down.

**Everyone: **I'll hardy update anymore because my laptop was confiscated; I won't get it back till October. Occasionally I'll post.

:::

Owner's Guide to ERZA SCARLET

Hello! Thank you for purchasing your very own ERZA SCARLET.

What is included?

1 ERZA SCARLET

1 multi-dimensional wardrobe (Courtesy of MultiSpace Inc.)

1 Heart Kreuz breastplate

2 blue skirts

1 pair of black boots

1 Fairy Armour

1 Purgatory Armour

1 Bunny Girl outfit

1 Heaven's Wheel Armour

1 Flame Empress Armour

1 The Giant's Armour

1 Seduction Armour

If the packaging explodes, please get a bag from the payment counter.

To purchase later outfits and armour, please visit our website: .com for clothes, freebies, cool stuff and other awesome characters.

ERZA SCARLET is a requip mage, and may beat you up. She used to be a slave, and is very protective of her nakama. She's scary. Seriously. But she becomes nicer after visiting the Tower of Heaven and almost dying there.

If you do not like loud noises and strawberry cake, ERZA SCARLET is not for you. Instead, we recommend LEVY MCGARDEN.

TotallyFake Stuff Inc. is not responsible for any damage, harm or death ERZA may cause.

Basic Info.

Name: ERZA SCARLET

Age: 19

Height: 159cm

Weight: 56kg

Removal from packaging

ERZA is relatively sensible (RELATIVELY, don't say we didn't warn you), and will come out by herself. In the event that she does not, lure her out with a cheesecake, strawberry cake or souffle.

If that doesn't work, get a JELLAL FERNANDES in jerk mode so she'll jump out in anger. This may result in a dead JELLAL FERNANDES, but a package-free ERZA.

You can substitute your JELLAL with a NATSU or GRAY, it should work just as well.

Play modes

Awesome _(default)_

Loud _(default)_

OOC _(locked)_

In Love _(locked)_

Shakespeare _(locked)_

Angry _(locked)_

OOC mode is unlocked when ERZA sees a piece of cake. Angry mode is unlocked when someone smashes the cake.

In love mode is unlocked...somehow. We haven't exactly suceeded yet. But a YOUNG ERZA SCARLET unlocks it when meeting JELLAL FERNANDES.

Shakespeare mode is unlocked when doing a job that involves acting.

Health Guides for a happy, healthy ERZA

**Cleanliness: **ERZA is perfectly capable of cleaning herself, though she is okay with bathing with GRAY and NATSU, and may occasionally go to a hot spring with CANA, JUVIA, WENDY and LUCY. Do not offer to clean her, it will result in awkwardness because she just might say yes.

**Diet: **ERZA will eat a heck load of desserts, but works it off by constantly beating people up. A wide range of veggies and meats are best for a growing ERZA.

**Sleep: **ERZA does not require a LUCY HEARTFILIA bed. Basically, she just needs an empty surface area, and she'll sleep. This theory was proven when ERZA when on a job with GRAY and fell asleep on the stone ground within five seconds.

Q&A

Q: My ERZA keeps buying a lot of cake. Why does she never get fat?

A: Because she is student body president. They don't accumulate weight no matter what. *Glasses flash* (OVA 2 reference.)

Q: My ERZA's armour seems to have a lot of exposed areas. Is the armour broken?

A: Why don't you ask her? If you survive, I'll tell you.

Compatible With:

WENDY MARVELL

CANA ALBERONA

MIRAJANE STRAUSS

Fairy Tail units

Blue Pegasus units

Lamia Scale units

Crime Sorciere units

Not Compatible with:

ICHIYA VANDALAY KOTOBUKI

Oracion Seis units

Raven Tail units

Sabertooth units

Grimoire Heart units

Placing your ERZA eith any of the above will result in destruction, maiming, and even death.

If you want your ERZA SCARLET to hook up with someone, we recommend JELLAL FERNANDES, GRAY FULLBUSTER and maaayybe MYSTOGAN.

You can try and make your ERZA fall in love with you, but you'll fail miserably. Boo hoo.

If you have enjoyed your ERZA SCARLET, you may also like:

JUVIA LOXAR

MAKAROV DREYAR

HIBIKI LATES

EVE TEARM

LYON VASTIA

LEVY MCGARDEN

LAXUS DREYAR

:::

I hope you've enjoyed this!

~Kibora


	7. Your Guide To BENNY Ltd Ed

**Hello. **After/Before this special edition figure, I demand you read "My Fairy" by Themulchmeister. It's an OC story, but a hilarious one. No Gary-Stu. I guarantee!

Disclaimer: I DON'T OWN BENNY.

No offence intended to Benny in this manual.

::;

Owner's Guide to BENNY-BOY

Hello! Thank you for purchasing your very own BENNY-BOY MAKAREN

What is included?

1 BENNY-BOY

1 set of clothes (Please shop for more outfits at Themulchmeister's nonexistent website.)

1 nail file

1 nail clipper

1 DIY manicure/pedicure set

BENNY-BOY is the protagonist of "My Fairy", LUCY's neighbour and butt of Fairy Tail's jokes. He has a totally...um..._unique _magic ability that will be made known if you read "My Fairy". He is LAXUS' uncle despite being three years younger, and pukes after eating very tasty high-calorie noodles. Preferably on LUCY(s).

He likes coffee and friendly people, as well as people listening to him. Sadly, most people have a hearing disorder that prevents them from hearing BENNY. He dislikes NATSU's pranks, though NATSU doesn't seem to get the hint. He has a short attention span, and might have a serious side; we don't know, we haven't been successful with our tests yet.

If you do not like relatively-normal-compared-to-the-rest-of-Fairy-Tail, BENNY-BOY is not for you. Instead, we recommend anyone else in Fairy Tail except Wendy and Levy.

TotallyFake Stuff Inc. is not responsible for any harm, damage or death BENNY-BOY might cause.

Basic Info.

Name: BENNY BOY MAKAREN

Age: 20

Height: 157cm

Weight: 54kg

Removal from Packaging

BENNY has sense and sanity most of the time, and should exit himself. If he attempts to test his nails on the plastic, and rip open the packaging, please stop him as this will take a very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, long time.

You should get a WENDY and some thugs in order for BENNY to rush out. However, you might need an ERZA, CANA, NATSU or so on nearby to rescue the two if BENNY and WENDY are too tired to fight.

Play Modes

Normal _(default)_

Angry _(locked)_

Jocular _(to himself)_

Sad _(locked)_

Crush _(locked)_

Awesome _(locked)_

OOC_ (locked)_

Angry mode is unlocked when BENNY's nakama is attacked, during which he may attack in return. Crush mode starts up when he meets (duh) someone he likes, like perhaps an ERZA or LUCY, but shuts down when BENNY throws up on LUCY, and realises ERZA is pranking him with GRAY and NATSU.

Awesome mode is unlocked when a major plot twist is required, while sad is unlocked when something sad happens.

OOC is unlocked when BENNY starts acting like...NATSU or something. We think you can achieve this by giving BENNY unlimited magic power for a day; he'd most likely go crazy with it.

Health Guides to a Happy, Healthy BENNY

**Cleanliness: **He is perfectly capable of cleaning himself. Really. BY. HIMSELF. 'Nuff said.

**Diet: **Anything edible, really. Uh, try not to feed him high calorie, super yummy, extremely satisfying noodles, as he may throw up. Too much junk food is bad for a growing BENNY. Vegetables, meat and drinks such as milk are preferable for a balanced diet.

**Sleep: **...I'm pretty sure he'll accomplish this himself; provide him with a bed, a pillow and a blanket.

Q&A

Q: My BENNY has not returned for a few days, what should I do?

A: BENNY is either on an escapade with his team, or has already been kicked out of Fairy Tail. OOOOPS! SPOILERS! SPOIIIIIIILEEERRRRSS!

Q: BENNY is depressed.

A: S'okay. Happens a lot.

Q: BENNY is happy.

A: Are...Are you sure? Because I really don't think-?

Compatible With:

WENDY

LUCY

MIRAJANE

ERZA

(Ladies' man much?)

MOST FAIRY TAIL UNITS.

Not Compatible With:

LAXUS

MEST

BAD GUYS.

CHARLE

NATSU

GRAY

A LOT OF PEOPLE.

:::

End.


	8. Your Guide To KAIN

Hello, dear, valued readers. Yes, I have finally decided to haul my ass back to this story in the middle of my exams to deliver you a chapter. I'm going to be mean to this guy.

MEET KAIN HIKARU, BABY!

:::

Owner's Guide To KAIN HIKARU

Hello! Thank you for purchasing for very own sumo-looking-fat-dude-that-nobody-actually-likes-so-I-have-no-idea-why-we-are-selling-him!

Also known as Kain Hikaru.

What is included?

1 Kain Hikaru

3 pair of tights he stole from various superheroes.

1 dark blue curtain to wrap around his neck

1 yellow curtain for his cape

2 leather belts, taped together is a criss-cross pattern

4 pairs of underwear/swimming trunks (We're not sure what they are)

2 Mr Curseys

To purchase later oufits and Mr Curseys, visit our website: .com for clothes, cool stuff, freebies and other awesome characters.

KAIN HIKARU is a seriously awkward guy, and seems to have some sort of speaking disorder, and is jealous of happy couples. To be honest, we don't even know why you bought him in the first place, and are now reading the manual.

He is obviously overweight, and has chalky white skin; did you leave any makeup lying around? KAIN HIKARU has a big appetite which matches the size of his body (or more specifically, his fats), and is always hungry, and evidently, will eat anything from horses to tiny, adorable snowmen named Nicholas.

If a female looks at him, he immediately thinks that it is because she likes him, so if you have purchased him, and are female, you're a goner. If not, you should keep him away from your mother, sister, girlfriend (he'll get jealous), any female, and your landlady.

Also, we just realised we just wasted a whole lot of space writing stuff about him.

OI, KAIN!

WHY U MUST EXIST!?

If you do not like abnormal things, KAIN HIKARU is not for you, and we recommend KINANA who is very, very normal, despite the fact that she (SPOILER ALERT!) was a snake.

TotallyFake Stuff Inc. is not responsible for the headache and possibly urge to kill KAIN will most definitely cause.

Basic Info.

Name: KAIN HIKARU

Age: -Unknown-

Height: 199 cm

Weight: He has broken all our weighing scales, so the estimate is REALLY. FREAKING. _HEAVY. _

Removal from packaging

If you are female, KAIN HIKARU will come bursting out.

Arms outstretched.

Have NATSU, ERZA or GILDARTS around to contain/attack him, and most likely he'll end up back in the container, so you have to wait till he comes out of his own accord, which he will during lunch.

If you're a guy, sucks for you.

Play modes

Stupid _(Default)_

Awkward _(Default)_

Prince Charming _(Locked)_

OOC _(Locked)_

In Love_ (Locked)_

OOC and Prince Charming modes are similar, and are both unlocked when ARIES offers to jump into his arms whenreallyshe'susingacleverbattlestrategyt odistracthim.

However, in Prince Charming mode, KAIN is still stupid and dumb and awkward, despite having changed appearances, while in OOC he suddenly obtains intelligence and loses weight. But, there have not been any cases of this so far.

In Love is unlocked whenever a female gets within KAIN's line of sight.

Health guides to a happy, healthy KAIN

**Cleanliness: **Do not bathe with KAIN. _EVER. _

**Diet: **KAIN HIKARU's eat pretty much anything they can get their hands on, and since we don't give a heck about his well-being, we won't bother asking you to give him a balanced, healthy diet.

**Sleep: **KAIN HIKARU's probably sleep all day if not eating or fighting, judging from his pudginess, so you will need approximately four king-sized beds arranged in two-by-two, so that the surface area is enough for KAIN to sleep on.

Q&A

Q: My KAIN is a liability. I hate it. Can I return it somehow?

A: Yes, TotallyFake Stuff Inc. makes an exception for KAIN HIKARU models, please drop him off at one of our nearest buildings, and KAIN will be sent for disposal. Because, dear shopper, we care for you.

Well, not really. We just want to rid the world of KAINs.

Q: g4T#$(^*$(#^* #(%_ #(^TFEGLE{KCWF:ET}PT|WR PW

A: This is a case when KAIN annoys you to the brink of death, when your brain ceases to work. The only cure is a delicate process only WENDY can perform. However, most people, once gone brain-dead, do not possess the ability to go shopping, so...

Compatible With:

Mr Cursey 1

Mr Cursey 2

Mr Cursey 3

...

Mr Cursey 100

Mr Cursey 101

...

Mr Cursey 2903182

Not Compatible:

Pretty much the whole world.

:::

...I'm female. O. *SNIFF*

Next up: JUVIA! (Hopefully)


	9. Your Guide To JELLAL

**Snuggable: **I LOVE YOU SO MUCH. GIVE ME A HUG.

**Night Chimes: **Remi! Why haven't you been reviewing? I can't wait till we put that collaboration into action with the others!

**Themulchmeister:** The rants are back.

**Gundam Lord:** "Q. I think my GRAY is falling in love with my JUVIA, and she keeps fainting. What should I do?"

Falling in love with your Juvia my ass. An ass is a donkey. I don't have a donkey. So unless you would like to purchase a donkey for me and mail it to my address which you do not know, GrUvia will remain non-existent on this story. As non-existent as my pet donkey.

This also shows you haven't even bothered to read my story properly. I have mentioned many times that the only thing the readers choose is the next character, and that I highly dislike Juvia and HATE GrUvia. Please, if that is all you are here for, get off this story.

Besides, I haven't even DONE Juvia!

**Note to readers: **The reason I'm not doing Juvia is not because of THAT guy up there, it's because I need Juvia for a special edition.

Also, Jellal was most popular in the reviews. But since he doesn't actually do much, aside attempt to kill himself and recover from amnesia, I think this might not be so funny.

:::

Owner's Guide to JELLAL

Hello! Thank you for purchasing your very own JELLAL FERNANDES. (Also known as The-dude-with-the-blue-hair-and-tattoo-that-Erza-loves-unconditionally-and-sees-the-light-in-every-time-he-does-something-wrong-I-mean-seriously-if-he-was-eating-some-pizza-she-would-come-over-and-be-like-"Oh-Jellal-I-see-the-light-in-your-pizza-eating-technique!")

What is included? 

1 JELLAL FERNANDES

2 pairs of shirts

2 pairs of grey pants

2 pairs of boots

3 long black cloaks with gold trimming and that heck load of fancy stuff Jellal always has on his cloaks

10 bottles of blue hair-dye (C'mon, he's sure to have a few white hairs here and there from living with MEREDY and ULTEAR all the time, what with being the only dude in his guild and all.)

To purchase later oufits, visit our website: .com for clothes, cool stuff, freebies and other awesome characters.

Basic Info.

Name: Jellal Fernandes

Age: 19 (After timeskip: 26)

Height: 163cm

Weight: 61kg

Removal from packaging

Two words.

Erza. Indanger.

Play modes

Depressed _(default)_

Suicidal_ (default)_

OOC _(locked)_

In Love _(locked)_

Jerk/Evil crazy cackling bad bad very bad possessed guy _(locked)_

JELLAL FERNANDES was a dark-mage, who uses Heavenly Body magic, (Which also sounds wrong, by the way.) possessed by what he thought to be ZEREF, but was instead fellow guidmate ULTEAR MILKOVICH (when she was evil). He is in the guild Crime Sorcière, with fellow previous dark-mages, ULTEAR MILKOVICH and her sorta-kinda-but-not-quite daughter MEREDY.

JELLAL is usually being depressed about how evil he was, to the point of trying to commit suicide. OOC can be unlocked by something called "Tickling Meredy through Maguilty Sense". It's awesome, peeps. Evil cackling bad bad very bad possessed guy/Jerk mode is unlocked when Ultear unlocks "Apparently ditched by mother bad bad very bad girl" mode and possesses him.

In Love mode is unlocked when...Oh, we all know the answer to this. Erza Scarlet. That, or some Mary-Sue OC with silver eyes and long, luxurious, silken, raven locks.

He is currently sorta-kinda-but-not-quite dating ERZA, because I think Hiro Mashima is too lazy to develop a better love story for ERZA. (Once again, the author is a biased idiot.)

Also, JELLAL has an abnormal hair colour, and acts in a sane, normal manner. If sane and abnormal hair is not for you, we recommend a NATSU DRAGNEEL.

Oh, wait, NATSU had abnormal hair too.

We recommend NATSU DRAGNEEL and a bottle of BLACK HAIR DYE which can be purchased from our website. (Reference to Guide to NATSU.)

Health guides to a happy, healthy JELLAL

Actually, there is no point of doing this since JELLAL will only be happy when ERZA comes along. Whatever.

**Cleanliness: **Don't attempt to/go and bathe with him, unless your name is ERZA SCARLET, which I'm betting it's not.

**Diet: **Like most normal people, JELLAL eats food, and needs a wide range of varying veggies and fruits, as well as protein, carbohydrates and whatnot that you should know. A plus if ERZA cooked.

**Sleep: **Preferably, not with ERZA, no matter how much he begs.

Q&A

Q: Should I help JELLAL reconcile with ERZA?

A: No. Because they still love each other unconditionally and blah, blah, blah...I mean, ERZA was sent away from the Tower Of Heaven by an evil cackling JELLAL, met him like, what, fourteen years later, where by some miracle she still loved him like crazy, and then he gets blasted somewhere, then she meets him again where he tries to kill himself and doesn't actually do much while fighting Oracion Seis, and then seven years later they meet up and kiss. Girls, this is_ so totally _what is going to happen you in real life. And we are so not being sarcastic.

Q: Can I marry him?

A: Evidently, you must be a fangirl. While the real, logical answer is no, I say yes, so that GrayZa stands a chance. (Why is NatZa more popular than GrayZa?) However, ERZA might attempt to murder you, so for the sake of our customers, the answer is no.

Compatible With:

No one. _(Evil crazy cackling bad bad very bad possessed guy/Jerk mode)_

People involved with Fairy Tail and Crime Sorcière _(Normal JELLAL mode)_

Not Compatible:

Everyone _(Evil crazy cackling bad bad very bad possessed guy/Jerk mode)_

Anyone outside Fairy Tail or Crime Sorcière _(Normal JELLAL mode)_

Placing JELLAL with any of the above mentioned units will result in destruction and maiming. For more information, please visit our website.

If you want your JELLAL FERNANDES to hook up with someone, we recommend ERZA SCARLET (and maybe ERZA KNIGHTWALKER since they're technically the same person.)

IF you have enjoyed your JELLAL FERNANDES, you may also enjoy:

LISANNA STRAUSS

ERZA SCARLET

GRAY FULLBUSTER

MYSTOGAN

LAXUS DREYAR

GAJEEL REDFOX

WENDY MARVELL

:::

Yay...I updated.


	10. Your Guide To ICHIYA

**OH MY FUDGING FUGEMUSHIS WITH EXTRA FUDGE AND TASTES LIKE REAL FUDGE BECAUSE IT IS REAL FUGE AND SERVED WITH A SIDE OF HOLEY MOTHER FUDGECAKES AND FUDGY FUDGEMUSHIS YOU GUYS, I am so, so, so sorry this is so late. I was going to upload it, 'cause it was practically done, then my brothers used my laptop without permission, and when Pages popped up in front of their internet game, they just freaking deleted it without thinking. THE WHOLE THING.**

**Luna Estelle (Guest): **Do you ship GrayZa? We can be best friends if you ship GrayZa. There was this girl in school, she was my friend's friend, so I didn't really know her, she came up to me, said she liked GrayZa, and I just...I just...hugged her.

**oX-Blossom Azalea-Xo: **What? No, no. Do you guys even pay attention to my rants? I said: No questions. Besides, the Jellal manual is over, so there's no point in asking a question.

**Lena (Guest): **Are you from Omegle? I have a friend who told me she recommended my story to someone on Omegle and was reading that very day. Pardon me if I'm wrong.

**Themulchmeister: **AGREED! YES! DEFINITELY! ...Are you just saying that 'cause Erza's your favourite character? *Raises eyebrow* But, yeah, Jellal doesn't actually do anything much...

**Guest (Guest): **You love my "sarcastic-ness"? What the heck is "sarcastic-ness"? Oh, you mean _sarcasm_. I HAVE TAUGHT YOU A NEW WORD. (By the way, I love my sarcasm too.)

OHMYFUDGINGFUDGEMUSHIS I JUST REALISED THERE IS A SEVEN-YEAR AGE GAP BETWEEN JELLAL AND ERZA SO NOW I CAN YELL, "SO WHAT IF GRAY IS ONE YEAR YOUNGER?!" AT HATERS.

Anyway...let's begin!

Owner's Guide To ICHIYA VANDALAY KOTOBUKI

Thank you purchasing your very own ICHIYA VANDALAY KOTOBUKI, half of the women in our company are currently attending anger management workshops.

What is included? 

1 ICHIYA VANDALAY KOTOBUKI (It is a bonus if your package comes without this item.)

1 white suit (with Blue Pegasus' symbol on the left shoulder)

2 orange shirts

10,000 bottles of perfume

11, 000 aerosols of IDrinkLotsaEarlGrey's Ichiya-Only Superdupermegastickyandstiff andshiny Hairspray

1 pair of light shoes

1 blue rose

2 pairs of light socks

1 brown belt for perfume flasks

1 red bow-tie

110,000,000 bottles of glitter (to ensure he sparkles more than a certain vampire *coughcough*)

To purchase later oufits, visit our website: .com for clothes, cool stuff, freebies and other awesome characters (who are not named ICHIYA or KAIN).

ICHIYA VANDALAY KOTOBUKI is a mage from Blue Pegasus who currently has the longest and most ridiculous name in Fairy Tail. (We apologise if your name is ICHIYA, VANDALAY, KOTOBUKI or STUPID.) He is the leader of the Trimens, a group of womanizers from Blue Pegasus, and ironically enough, is the ugliest. However, The Trimens show a great deal of respect for him.

He's about a few centimeters taller than HAPPY, which really isn't saying very much. He has a tendency to yell "Men!" at random times, and addresses ERZA SCARLET as "My honey" because he honestly thinks that they're going out. Because of that fact, he constantly hits on her and she simply beats him up.

As cowardly as he is vain, ICHIYA would probably prefer to run from a fight, though there was an occasion where he stood against the Council to save JELLAL FERNANDES for ERZA's sake.

(A/N: Where there is Erza, there is Jellal...*sighs* GRAYZA IS MY OTP FOREVER AND EVER!)

Oh, and also when (Spoiler alert!) [Censored for spoiler] got beaten up and he fought BACCHUS in a righteous anger. [Insert dramatic music here]

If weird-ness, stupidity, idiocy, and any insulting word you can ever think of is not for you, then ICHIYA is not for you. Instead, we recommend MIRAJANE STRAUSS or FREED JUSTINE.

TotallyFake Stuff Inc. is not responsible for any brain damage, insanity or death that ICHIYA VANDALAY KOTOBUKI will most definitely cause.

Basic Info.

Name: ICHIYA VANDALAY KOTOBUKI (Do not call him anything even mildly pleasant for he'll *nervous swallow, dark music* _**LIKE **_YOU!)

Age: 27 (Although he looks much, _much _older.)

Height: 75cm (I mean seriously, he's like half of ERZA SCARLET's height.)

Weight: 32kg (What? His hairspray and sparkles have to weigh _something_.)

Removal from packaging

Have a nice _parfum_. Be female. Stand outside and scream, "OHGOSH! I JUST SAW A REALLY, REALLY SMOKIN' CHICK WALK PAST, AND SHE'S TOTALLY ICHIYA OF BLUE PEGASUS' TYPE EVEN THOUGH I DON'T KNOW HIS TYPE! THEY'LL MAKE SUCH A CUTE COUPLE!"

Have an ERZA SCARLET nearby to beat the crap out of him once he runs out. Basically...you don't want him to live further than this section of the manual.

Play modes

Stupid_ (Default)_

Annoying _(Default)_

Shiny _(Default)_

OOC _(Locked)_

In Love _(Locked...sort of)_

Determined_ (Locked)_

Shiny is pretty much the only thing ICHIYA is good at. Oh, yeah. The other thing being...he's good at not being good at anything. OOC is unlocked when he becomes awesome...somehow. We don't see it happening anytime in the future. Like, ever.

In Love mode is pretty much unlocked all the time, but I guess, especially if he meets an ERZA SCARLET (who should freaking be with Gray), and when the Trimens start referring to her as "Ichiya-san's girlfriend", ERZA or any sane Fairy Tail member should be around to severely injure them. Determined is during (SPOILER!) the Grand Magic Games and he fights with his giant rabbit, and it gets injured. Then he gets all "How dare you hurt [censored for spoiler] I will pay you back HIIII-YYYAAAAAHHHH! I SHALL SNIFF MY BODYBUILDER PARFUM!" kind of thing.

Health Guides for a happy, healthly ICHIYA

**Cleanliness:** Due to many years worth of sparkle glue, the layer of sparkle glue on ICHIYA's body is so thick that no dust can penetrate it.

**Diet: **Who gives a crap? He probably has some special perfume substitute that also stunts his growth or something.

**Sleep: **Sleep _parfum_!

Q&A

Q: Whatheheck whattheheck whattheheck. Is this thing even human?!

A: No.

Q: I'm female. ICHIYA-san says I'm hot! Do you really think it's true? Is his opinion worth it?

A: Um, let's see...

No.

And~

No.

Compatible With:

The Trimens

Nichiya

Bob ('cause he's kind of a weirdo as well...)

Not Compatible

EVERYONE that was not listed above.

Placing ICHIYA with any of these units with most certainly cause maiming, destruction and definitely arguements.

We recommend that you do not pair ICHIYA with anyone, or anything. Except maybe a piece of trash. This, however, will be insulting that unfortunate piece of trash.

_If you have enjoyed your ICHIYA VANDALAY KOTOBUKI (Heheh...not bloody likely.) you may also like:_

ELFMAN STRAUSS

MIRAJANE STRAUSS

LISANNA STRAUSS

MACDONALDS' STRAWS (Handy if you purchase a drink there.)

LYON VASTIA

GRAY FULLBUSTER

PANTHERLIL BADASS-SWORD-WIELDING-FLYING-CAT

LEVY MCGARDEN

ERZA KNIGHTWALKER

MAKAROV DREYAR

:::

Thank you for reading. I'm glad I finally hauled my ass 'round to do this. (Yes, my newly-purchased donkey wrote this!) I hope you enjoyed it...and rekindled a hatred for Ichiya and his stupidity (that is sometimes amusing).

It must be agreed on that Erza-courting must be reserved for more relatively normal people like Gray, Gray, Gray, Gray, Gray, Gray, Gray and Gray. Oh, and maybe Jellal...sometimes...

I like Gray more 'cause he's less suicidal. Jellal is mostly all like, "Oh, I should die..." And then Erza goes *SLAP!* "BEING ALIVE IS AN ACCOMPLISHMENT, YOU IDIOT!"

Repeat.

WHATEVER. NO FIGHTING MY GRAYZA SHIPPING. MWAHAHAHA.

~Cora

Please check out _The No Name Chronicles_ by **The Order of the Insane**, my joint-account with **Trojan Virus**, **Written Twilight**, **ForgottenUmbrella**, **Night Chimes **and **SalutationsToYou**. And if you are already reading it, check out our deviantart account! We're on a roll! I've been working on a picture of Bella smacking Gray over the head with that empty tub of butter screaming "MONEHHH!"


End file.
